In Preparation for S3, We Give You “Potted Poldark”(S1)

A quick recap before June 11th

…which is to be upon us like an Irish cob at full gallop!!! here’s an aide memoire for those of you who haven’t rewatched both S1 and S2 every month since last November….

This is our “Potted Poldark” S1

Our hero, the handsome and troubled Ross, gets back to Cornwall after a brief spell in the States where his scheduled cosmetic surgery for a bi-lateral brow lift has gone tragically wrong. His bad luck doesn’t stop there, oh no…., His dad has popped his clogs and the rest of his family have written him off as a “goner”. His dear, if somewhat feckless cousin, Francis has swooped in and nicked his girlfriend, Elizabeth.

On the up side, he has a inherited a substantial coastal property with sea view, a farm, some servants, and a mine or two with the potential of untold wealth in the form of mineral rights. Location Location Location!

After a bit of rabble rousing he gets his lazy ass servants to start behaving as if they needed the work and goes to Redruth fair to restock the farm. He acquires an ox and a slip of a thing; Demelza, with a mangy dog and sets about transforming her for entry into the “UK’s Next Top Model”.

“And then, guess what happened?!…….” (said that young woman who looks like Robyn from “How I Met Your Mother”, who does the Trivago adverts….)

There is much marching through mud and losing of tempers and swigging of brandy, but by and by the wench turns foxy vixen and beds the master! This all takes place after a wardrobe malfunction where she fails miserably to extract herself from a dress that by some small miracle she managed to get herself into!

Low and behold !

…They’re off to the altar to piss off the ex-girlfriend, which as it happens; works a treat! The ex and Francis have a little boy by this time and are pretending that everything’s cream teas (with jam first) at Trenwith.

The two Poldark families pretend to be friends and everyone gets on for a bit.

“Where’s George in all this?” We hear you say.

Ah, yes! George!… George is a self serving, narcissistic asshole who reminds you off the kid at school who always wanted your pen,…. just because it was your pen! He has his own pen,.. in fact he has a full set of fancy quill pens made from Dumbledore’s Magic Phoenix with gold plated Mont Blanc nibs and a set of Crayola Magic Water Colour Pens. Nevertheless, he wants your pen, because he hasn’t got your pen, …yet!

Demelza takes to unbridled passion and sophisticated coquettishness like Ivanka Trump takes to world politics and in no time at all produces a gorgeous baby girl. Ross determines to “make the world a better place for her” but tragedy strikes and she succumbs to the Putrid Throat. (which is a disease not a character from a Marvel comic).

Season One Overview:

(Crashing Seas, Moody music) Mines close, mines re-open, the Poldarks’ have a terrible time and George waits in the wings to empty everyone’s pencil cases. Pilchards throw themselves into baskets to feed the starving peasants. We realise we are set in pre A30 Cornwall, where everything is transported by sea. We’re nearing the end of S1 and no one has “wrecked” anything yet! So a big ship that belongs to George, is driven onto rocks in a storm and Ross gets blamed for the death of a scumbag passenger who happens to be related to the Pen Stealer General.

End of Season

Ross and Demelza stand perilously close to the edge of a really high cliff and throw away a perfect sweet little memento of their daughter in an act of wanton littering. Ross is arrested and marched off by soldiers on a trumped up murder charge. Demelza is rooted to the spot as her husband is removed to Truro Jail…..

Cliffhanger on an actual cliff!!!!

Coming Soon to a newsfeed near you from Poldark’s Cornwall…..”Potted Poldark”. S2…

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